scene i
Can you believe R and G are still
hanging with Claudius. Go away. Gert wants a few words with Claud. Words about
what? Well he has to learn Polonius is dead doesn't he? He does and decides
that's it. G and R, go find Polonius's body, bring it to the chapel; Gert and I
will tell people what's happened?
scene ii
Enter R and G who want the body
but Hamlet wants to play Catch The Mad Prince with his two friends of sponge. I'll let you figure that one out. Off he goes and here
comes Claud with some couturiers.
We (I, Claudius) have a problem.
Hamlet has got to go but I cannot do much because "He's loved of the
distracted multitude/Who like not in their judgment, but their eyes."
Popularity is the real king and don't forget it. But wait its, yes, G and R and
Hamlet.
"Where's Polonius?/At
Supper./At supper where?/ Not where he eats, but where he is eaten. A certain
convocation of politic worms are e'en at him." Yummy. This bit always
reminds me of the song we would sing when we (meaning me and my friends) were
children. “The worms crawl in, the
worms crawl out.”
Hamlet, you're going to England
for a little trip. You’re not well, Polonius is dead and a sea voyage will
clear up those sinuses. And (an aside worth listening to) there you will be put
to death. Ha. Ha. Ha. Claudius gets the last laugh. We'll see.
scene iv
Fortinbras. Who remembers him?
What's he doing here? Do we really need another scene? Isn't this play long
enough? No, Bill has a reason. Got to comment on the nature on man and the
character of Hamlet.
As to the nature of man. Where is
Fortinbras going? To fight over some worthless piece of mud in Poland not worth
a penny. Should be easy. Who would defend a worthless piece of land. The Poles
have already fortified it. (This is not an ethnic joke) So that's it. We kill
ourselves over nothing. Go, Bill, go.
As to the character of Hamlet.
Here these guys go marching off to their doom because they're told to. They
have no love for the assignment but follow their duty. Me. I have a father to
avenge and I sit on my hands doing nothing. Well, I did come up with a neat
play and accidentally killed Polonius and have managed to get on mom's
nerves. But am I a coward? Well we still have a number of scenes
to go to find out. Sorry but this is
a tragedy so we have to include the serious stuff.
scene v
Remember the foreshadowing about
Polonius losing his daughter. Well, she's been lost. He's dead and she is quite
mad. What else can go wrong? Well for a start the people are upset: Polonius was
buried without proper ceremony befitting his station, Laertes has returned from
France and is said to be somewhat angry about his dad's deplorable demise, and
the mob is following Laertes and demanding he be king.
And guess who's knocking at the
gate: Laertes, and he wants his father. Bad timing. Just as Claudius begins to
calm Laertes down here comes Ophelia passing out flowers, singing songs, and
recognizing no one including her brother. Claudius decides he'd better tell
Laertes what's happened and where Hamlet is or Laertes may take his anger out
on innocent people like Claudius.
scene vi
Horatio gets a letter from Hamlet.
Can you believe this? On his way to England, Hamlet's ship was attacked by
pirates. In the battle only one person got trapped on the pirate ship: Hamlet.
Guess what? The pirates like him, they really like him. As for R and G, they
sailed on to England. I don't know. Sounds like Bill is getting sloppy here. A
bit too contrived.
scene vii
OK, Claud tell me what happened
and why Hamlet didn't stand trail or anything.
Well Laertes, it's like this.
Gertrude, the lady I'm married to, loves her son. If I off Hamlet I lose the
lady. Then the people still like him, they really like him. I guess Hamlet is
just personality plus. EQ is about him. (You know EQ is the theory about how
it's more important than IQ to succeed in life. Sure.)
So. No father and a mad sister and
no revenge.
Not quite. "You shortly shall
hear more./I loved your father, and we love ourself,/And that, I hope, will
teach you to imagine . . . " but what do you guys want? Letters? Letters
from who? Oh, Hamlet. HAMLET! What's he doing here, how'd he get here, what's
happening?
Laertes, listen to me. If he's
really back don't worry. "I will work him/To an exploit, now ripe in my
device,/Under the which he shall not choose but fall;/And for his death no wind
of blame shall breathe,/But even his mother shall uncharge the practice/And
call it accident."
What's the plan? Hamlet is no
swordsman. You will have a contest with him. I’ll make sure your sword is
unabated, i.e., the point will be uncovered so you can stab him. And Laertes has an idea of his own:
I'll poison the tip of the sword so if I just scratch him he'll die. Great, and just to be on the safe when
he gets thirsty and asks for something to drink I’ll give him a poisoned drink.
Sounds like a plan.
Gee, doesn't any of this tip
Laertes off that Claudius is a sneak and shouldn't be trusted. But wait, now
what. Ophelia's dead. Drowned herself. Depressed over dead dad, departed dear
heart, and fact departed dear heart (that's Hamlet) did dad down and dirty.
Let's cut Laertes some slack. How
much can we expect of him?