scene i
Ah, Polonius. What a nice way to
keep tabs on Laertes: send a spy. Do you like this. This guy is supposed to
meander about and drop subtle questions like, I hear this Laertes fellow likes
his wine, women, and song. Stays up all night spending his old man's money. Of
course Polonius expects to have Reynaldo's slanders refuted by one and all. Of
course. And I'm sure Laertes is
isn't doing anything in France except studying.
And Ophelia, daughter, what's up?
Hamlet you say has been in your closet? Oh, you mean your sewing room. Whew!
For a minute there. He had his jacket open and his stocking down? He stared
into your face and just sighed. He's in love! He's in love! My daughter is
going to be a Queen. I better tell the King.
scene ii
Roz and Guild.
Guild and Roz.
Glad you boys could come. Listen.
you and Ham are pals. Think you might visit with him, have a few brews
together, get some male bonding talk going, and sort of get him to talk about
what's really bothering him? What do you think? Can you boys do that for me?
Sort of betray your childhood chum?
Of course.
Good boys. (Little parallel thing
her like Pol and Lar right. Bill is on the money with this stuff--do I smell
topic for a paper here?)
Hey, the ambassadors from Norway
are here (remember the letters) and good news. Young Fortinbras has been
straightened out and instead of killing Danes just wants permission to take his
army across the country so he can kill Poles. No problemo.
Now Polonius. What is your theory
about Ham?
Look, he wanted to sleep with my
daughter. I said cut him off. She's a good girl. Did so. Now Ham is lovesick.
Really?
Really!
How can we tell?
Look. I'll send my daughter to
him, we'll hide in a place to see what happens, and when he tries to jump her,
we'll know.
Look here comes Hamlet now. Let's
have some keen word play and punning to show how smart we are and how dumb
students are. I'm not going to go over it but it's there. Bug your teachers.
Here come Roz and Guild. Or is it
Guild and Roz? How about a dirty joke. OK.
How are you guys?
Fortunate.
How so?
We aren't the button on her cap
nor the sole on her shoe. Rather somewhere in between?
Oh, in the middle?
Yes, her private parts. (snicker,
snicker, snicker) You did get it? If I have to explain it then it's not funny.
Aren't you Elizabethan?
Male bonding time over, no more
dirty jokes (for now). Let's see what we can dig out of Hamlet.
"Denmark's a prison"
Really. Perhaps "your
ambition makes it so?" (Read between the lines: you really want to be king
and Claudius should be nervous)
No, I'm not ambitious, but what
brings you guys here. Did you come to see me because we're childhood buddies
and you heard I've been down and to want to cheer me up OR were you sent for?
Speak up. Can't answer honestly huh? Well thanks a lot "friends."
We were sent for.
Too little, too late.
When you can't trust the friends
of your childhood who can you trust? At least Roz and Guild have brought along
a treat for Hamlet: the tragedians from the city. (What follows is some stuff
that was probably important to the behind the scenes goings on of acting troops
that would have played on ETT [Elizabethan Talk Tonight with Mary Hartfelt and
John Teschasaxony] but doesn't concern us (unless you're getting a quiz about
it.)
Time for Hamlet anyway to confuse
Guild and Roz by announcing, "I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind
is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw." That was clear wasn't it. To
clear it up you check out the Hitchcock film North by North West. Too late for here comes Polonius (time for Hamlet to be a
little bawdy). As Pol announces "the actors are come hither, " Ham
responds, "Then came each actor on his ass." This is a multiple play
on the word ass. Ass is a donkey like beast, you sit on it with your *, and
obviously Hamlet considers Polonius an ass on several counts: he's tedious (an
ass), trying to act like he cares about Hamlet (an ass), and he's a meddling
fool (big ass). I was right. When
you have to explain the joke it's just not funny anymore. Hamlet follows his
punning up with his crisp allusion to Jephthah. Those Elizabethans were really
smart to be able to recognize all those references or maybe not. Maybe that
explains Hamlet's comments to the players on a play he saw once:
I heard thee speak me a speech once, but it
was never acted, or, if it was, not above once;
for
the play, I remember, pleased not the million;
'twas cariary to the general. But it was (as I
received it, and the others whose judgments in
such
matters cried in the top of mine) an excellent
play,
What's the resolution here? Hamlet has an idea after watching the
players. Perhaps the troop might put on a little production of Hamlet's design.
A play that follows the details of how Claudius killed Hamlet. If plays have
power then this one might move Claudius to betray himself and Hamlet will know
the ghost he saw and heard told a true tale. Perhaps that Wittenberg education
is paying off. Perhaps in Act III.